My (Not So) Secret Habit

My story starts 36 years ago. Still to this day, I have trouble believing I became a smoker. Both of my parents smoked. I hated that, and was continually waving away the smoke, hiding their cigarettes, and complaining. Finally, when I was in college, my roommate and I decided we’d add smoking to our weight loss plan. We’d eat a very small amount, then choke down a cigarette or two. It certainly did cut down on our eating…UNTIL we became used to smoking, and didn’t get sick every time we lit up! Before we knew it, both of us NEEDED to smoke. We were addicts.

I managed to keep my habit a secret (or so I thought) from my family for a year or so. Finally, Mom told me that Dad was pretty sure I was smoking because there were always dirty ashtrays in my house. The final unrobing of my “secret” was the day Grandpa arrived at my home bearing a small gift. It was the cutest little boot shaped cigarette lighter! How do you suppose he knew I smoked!!??

The next thing I knew, I was married and had two sons. I’m ashamed to say they went through the exact same suffering from my smoking that I went through with my parents. I braved their anti-smoking assaults just like Mom and Dad had braved mine.

Then came a grandchild who hated smoking. One thing that proved the power of addiction was both my husband’s and my disregard for our (at the time) four year-old grandson’s fears. One day out of the blue, he said, “I don’t want Grandpa to die.” When asked why he was worrying about this, his answer was, “He smokes cigarettes.” I get tears every time I think about not giving up our “enjoyment” and letting this little boy’s mind be at rest.

I had been smoking for about twenty-four years when I started developing a cough. This cough started out as occasional and progressed to very often. Not wanting to admit that maybe the cause of the cough could be smoking, I decided I must have allergies to the chemicals I use every day while working in my hair salon. This led me to purchase all kinds of cough syrups, over the counter allergy meds, and throat lozenges. I bought machines to clean the air and stopped using aerosol sprays. Funny thing, the cough didn’t go away or even diminish.

I started getting slightly short of breath, then progressed to VERY short of breath. I could no longer climb mountains, water ski, or play sports with my boys. I used to walk for miles daily. My boundless energy was gone. At night I would lie in bed and feel my heart pounding while my chest ached. I began to suspect COPD. Denial made me hope that I had something wrong with my heart. I felt something could be done to help me if I had heart troubles. COPD sounded too scary, too final. I went to a heart clinic to get checked out. After a treadmill test, ultra sounds, etc., it was determined that my heart was fine. This left me no choice but to admit I had a serious lung problem.

A trip to my doctor confirmed my worst suspicion. I had emphysema. Without being told, I knew I had to stop smoking. Now began the endless cycle of stopping and starting smoking. I tried almost every quit smoking aid on the market. I would stop for a few days, then start bumming the occasional puff from my husband. Of course this would lead me to buying my own cigarettes and trying to limit myself to so many per day. Then, before I knew it, I would be back up to my pack or more daily. My breathing got harder and harder until I couldn’t walk across my yard without my heart pounding and my lungs gasping for breath. Doing chores that involved bending or carrying were very hard.

My doctor prescribed Wellbutrin to help me quit smoking. This helped, but I knew I needed more help than that. One day a miracle happened. I ran across this forum for smoking cessation. I became a member and posted my story.

On October 21, 2002, I laid down my cigarettes. This wasn’t easy. At first I felt as if I were the injured party because my husband could still smoke and I couldn’t. Oh, I guess I could have, but I wanted to live more than I wanted to smoke. I felt disoriented, nervous, desperate. Sucking on caramel apple suckers, drinking water, taking deep breaths, working online jigsaw puzzles, and walking helped me tremendously. Keeping a positive outlook by thinking of this as something I “wanted” to do was a lifesaver. I received many forum posts of encouragement. Talking to all the people who were also giving up smoking made my quest more doable.

I became quit buddies with a wonderful person who had begun winning on the same day as I. Between daily correspondence with her, and support from so many others, I became a nonsmoker.

I’m happy to report that my cough is completely gone, my chest doesn’t ache, my heart quit pounding. I’m back to being able to walk for exercise again. Although my lungs will never be as strong as they once were, my breathing is much, much improved. I have given myself and my family the precious gift of my longer life.

For those of you who are contemplating stopping smoking, or those who are struggling to stay quit, please, please, don’t give up. The difficult times will pass. There really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’m thankful every day that I finally found the strength to enter the nonsmoking world, and become a WINNER!