I was a very obese kid growing up, but extremely intelligent. I didn’t get a long with my peers very well and was often considered to be an outcast. Most of high school, I didn’t have a very active social life. My mother was an OCD neat freak and made me afraid to go out in the world. Her fears became my fears and I became afraid of the world. My grandmother lived with us and she was emotionally abusive. My mother and step-father were in constant yelling matches with us and each other. Losing weight is hard and my home is filled with bad food. It was an awful time. I was so depressed I slit my wrists and needed a blood transfusion. I also hung myself and broke the branch. I also overdosed on meds. Needless to say I survived each attempt. I didn’t get my drivers license until I was 20 because I was afraid. I was a mess, a real mess. I was working a dead end job, making minimum wage and riding a bike to dead end job and living with my mother

The change was small and gradual at first. I started going to the gym three times a week for an hour. Then I started dieting. I lost weight. I’ve yoyoed but I’m 100lbs less right now than when I was big. I had flunked out of high-school. I went back to Adult Ed. Then I went to a community college to take remedial course. I got into a good college. I’m a year away from getting my B.S. in nursing. Most of the time I was depressed when I did this….because I was still friendless and I didn’t have emotional support.

A change then happened two years ago. I begin meditating and imagining a warm loving light around me. Those voices in my head that said,”you’re stupid.” I didn’t hate them back or fight them. Instead, I just used an imaginary technique and told them they were wrong and I love them and I love myself. I also started to consciously make an effort to find things I liked about myself and my life. Little things like how I liked my smile, and I was happy to have such a great computer. Lots of positive self-talk on my life and my circumstances. After a while I learned to love myself. Anyone, who was negative I avoided like the plague. These inner changes eventually manifested itself to where I was able to show love to other people. There isn’t anymore “fighting” with depression because for me the war is over. I cling onto positive thoughts.

Look I don’t know where my life is going. Sometimes I get downright depressed because I’m single. Sometimes I feel disheartened and tired. I still haven’t reached my fitness or academic goals. Depression comes sometimes but not as much as it used to. I’m not super depressed anymore…no suicidal urgings or anything. For the most part I’m content. I can live with content, much better than depressed. I’ve been this way for two years now. Its possible to end the cycle of pain by learning to accept yourself who you are, and looking at the positive aspects of life, and avoiding negative and unhappy people. Relapse and remission is forever unavoidable but it can be minimized and the triggers that make it occur can be removed.

Good luck!

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1. My Story of Depression (and How I Cured It!)
2. Living With Chronic Depression – A Student’s Story
3. My Story of Drugs & HPV

by Rob Dee

What depression feels like

There I was – I had everything in the world that I ever wanted. A loving partner, a happy home life, doing the things that I love with my partner. I couldn’t wait to get home from work every day. She was my best friend.

But one day, I was overcome by sadness and sorrow. All I wanted to do was be alone. I didn’t dislike my partner or my friends or my family…but I felt like I was stuck inside my own head…my only desire was to be alone, to hide from everyone and everything. I had felt like this from time to time for as long as I can remember. A lot of times, this feeling would coincide with negative things that were happening around me…a break-up, stress at work, bad times at school, band issues, family issues, etc. This sort of feeling might be expected when life throws things at you. But this was different. There wasn’t anything negative going on in my life at the time. I didn’t have any reason to feel this way. Everything was great. But there was nothing to prevent me from feeling the sadness, the sorrow, the desire to be by myself. She was concerned. I assured her that I was stuck in my head and that there was nothing that she did to make me feel like this.

There was nothing to make me come out of it…after an argument, the important things like our relationship and quality of life became more important than depression. I love this woman more than anything. She insisted that I see a doctor and try to get the depression I was experiencing under control. I tried several times to make an appointment, but the various doctors would reject my health insurance provider or the doctors would say that my insurance wouldn’t cover my visits. As you can imagine, I was entirely frustrated.

Fast forward a few months…we had just moved to a new house. I had a few days off work to get the new house in order and finish up the loose ends of the old house. The feeling returned…except this time, my partner wasn’t so understanding. Things were grating on me. I didn’t want to talk to my partner about these things because she was going through a tough time with her job, and the move herself. I didn’t want to burden her down any further. I was also resentful towards her son – not that he was doing anything wrong. I should have been angry with her and the way she handled the situations…but this was difficult because of the way I feel about her. I love her more than anything. The feeling of despair was still there…but worse due to our failing relationship.

She told me it was over.

I tried to kill myself and almost succeeded. Counseling and medication have helped some, but there’s nothing they can do to mend my broken heart.

I’m still down. I miss my partner more than anything.

What to do if you feel depressed

Here are more symptoms to look for:

“Depressed individuals often blame themselves for negative events, depressed individuals have negative beliefs about themselves and an assessment of the person’s current mood and thought content, in particular the presence of themes of hopelessness or pessimism, self harm or suicide, and an absence of positive thoughts or plans.

major depressive episode is characterized by the presence of a severely depressed mood that persists for at least two weeks. Episodes may be isolated or recurrent and are categorized as mild (few symptoms in excess of minimum criteria), moderate, or severe (marked impact on social or occupational functioning). An episode with psychotic features – commonly referred to as psychotic depression – is automatically rated as severe.”

Low mood, down in the dumps, despair, sorrow, insomnia, stuck in your head.

If you feel like this, please try to seek help and consult with a health care professional.

If you feel like you can’t go on, please call the National Suicide Hotline. 1-800-784-2433 I’m sure there are a lot of folks who know you that care. Think of the people you’ll impact if you kill yourself. As much as I want to die sometimes, one thing that has kept me alive is knowing how much this would devastate my mom and my brother.

The success rate for counseling and prescribed anti-depressants is high. Seek help if you really want to beat this silent killer.

Depression is a very real health issue. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy or mentally retarded. If you suffer from it, please seek help.

Related posts:

1. There is Hope for Depression
2. Living With Chronic Depression – A Student’s Story
3. My Story of How I Cured Severe Anxiety

I don’t really know where to begin, but I hope that getting this out makes me feel even a little bit better.

On the surface, everything seems fine. I’m a 23 year old female studying to become a Nurse. I live on my own and am completely independent from my parents, and have been since just after I turned 17. I have a great boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. This is pretty much all I have.

I cannot recall a time in my life when I was not depressed to some extent. I grew up hating myself. I never felt adequate around other people, and still don’t. I have never felt good enough to be friends with most people, and can’t seem to form long-lasting friendships.

I have been with my current boyfriend for close to 2 years. Prior to that, I was with someone else that I started seeing when I was 17. I have never been single in my adult life. Nor do I want to be. I think if I was, I might not make it. I need to be needed. But it isn’t enough because I still feel as though I’m consumed with sadness.

Some days are better than others, but at least one day of every week I can barely get out of bed. I’ve learned to hide it from other people well. Most of the time, no one can tell that anything is wrong. However during these instances, I feel nothing but normal. I feel intense anxiety every day. I have a short history of panic attacks – it’s only really been an issue for the past year and a half or so. On a daily basis though, I feel severe tightness in my chest and sweat profusely (palms, feet, armpits, you name it). Sometimes I can slow it down with deep breathing, but I usually have to remove myself from whatever situation I’m in entirely. But it even happens when I’m at home by myself.

I have been on medication in the past, and it didn’t work for me. Against the doctor’s orders, I went off of it. I do not want to be medicated. I want to be able to handle my issues without any sort of chemical.

I am beginning to wonder if I have a (mild) eating disorder. I know this could turn into something worse very quickly if I don’t keep it under control. I feel fat. I change at least ten times before leaving my apartment and even then it’s because I’m frustrated, not because I think I look even close to pretty.

I’m rambling now.
I don’t know what the root of my problem is. My family isn’t that bad. My parents are still together and I have two older brothers. The only factor I can think of that may have had an impact on my mental state would be my dad. We do not have a relationship AT ALL. He has always seemed disinterested and absent from my entire family, despite being physically present. Nothing has ever seemed good enough for him.

I guess I should mention there is a history of mental illness in my family. My mom has been diagnosed with clinical depression (although she doesn’t take anything for it). One of my cousins is recovering from Anorexia, another is Schizophrenic, and another is battling an addiction to Crystal Meth. Both of my older brothers have admitted to being depressed during times in their lives but seem okay now (just like I seem okay now).

My financial situation won’t allow for therapy. I tried a few free counselors but none of them helped. I just found myself getting angry with their insincerity. I don’t know what else to do except grin and bear it anymore. I don’t think about suicide but have in the past. I also used to cut myself.

My head is in complete and total disarray right now. I don’t know what else to say. I hope there’s someone that can relate.

Related posts:

1. My Story of Depression (and How I Cured It!)
2. There is Hope for Depression