I was a very obese kid growing up, but extremely intelligent. I didn’t get a long with my peers very well and was often considered to be an outcast. Most of high school, I didn’t have a very active social life. My mother was an OCD neat freak and made me afraid to go out in the world. Her fears became my fears and I became afraid of the world. My grandmother lived with us and she was emotionally abusive. My mother and step-father were in constant yelling matches with us and each other. Losing weight is hard and my home is filled with bad food. It was an awful time. I was so depressed I slit my wrists and needed a blood transfusion. I also hung myself and broke the branch. I also overdosed on meds. Needless to say I survived each attempt. I didn’t get my drivers license until I was 20 because I was afraid. I was a mess, a real mess. I was working a dead end job, making minimum wage and riding a bike to dead end job and living with my mother

The change was small and gradual at first. I started going to the gym three times a week for an hour. Then I started dieting. I lost weight. I’ve yoyoed but I’m 100lbs less right now than when I was big. I had flunked out of high-school. I went back to Adult Ed. Then I went to a community college to take remedial course. I got into a good college. I’m a year away from getting my B.S. in nursing. Most of the time I was depressed when I did this….because I was still friendless and I didn’t have emotional support.

A change then happened two years ago. I begin meditating and imagining a warm loving light around me. Those voices in my head that said,”you’re stupid.” I didn’t hate them back or fight them. Instead, I just used an imaginary technique and told them they were wrong and I love them and I love myself. I also started to consciously make an effort to find things I liked about myself and my life. Little things like how I liked my smile, and I was happy to have such a great computer. Lots of positive self-talk on my life and my circumstances. After a while I learned to love myself. Anyone, who was negative I avoided like the plague. These inner changes eventually manifested itself to where I was able to show love to other people. There isn’t anymore “fighting” with depression because for me the war is over. I cling onto positive thoughts.

Look I don’t know where my life is going. Sometimes I get downright depressed because I’m single. Sometimes I feel disheartened and tired. I still haven’t reached my fitness or academic goals. Depression comes sometimes but not as much as it used to. I’m not super depressed anymore…no suicidal urgings or anything. For the most part I’m content. I can live with content, much better than depressed. I’ve been this way for two years now. Its possible to end the cycle of pain by learning to accept yourself who you are, and looking at the positive aspects of life, and avoiding negative and unhappy people. Relapse and remission is forever unavoidable but it can be minimized and the triggers that make it occur can be removed.

Good luck!